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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28105275">Thoughts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Branwen_Blaidd/pseuds/Branwen_Blaidd'>Branwen_Blaidd</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sense8 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, Multi, Polyamory</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:00:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>949</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28105275</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Branwen_Blaidd/pseuds/Branwen_Blaidd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Wolfgang's thoughts about his lovers</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Wolfgang Bogdanow/Kala Dandekar/Rajan Rasal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Thoughts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This mentions an incident which happened in my story Love in all its Forms. It makes sense without reading that but makes it a small spoiler in this story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You’re the last thought I have before I sleep</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You’re the first thought I have when I wake</em>
</p><p> </p><p>I’ve said that to her once. More than once. It’s not quite true. Sometimes, other thoughts come first. Bad ones. Thoughts that make me wince and shudder. Thoughts that make my whole body jerk in preparation for pain. Thoughts that infect my mind and make me feel like nothing.</p><p>But Kala. She is the thought that sends those bad ones away. She is the thought that always makes me smile.</p><p>I don’t deserve her. I could do a thousand good deeds and never deserve her. She’s the most beautiful, the most intelligent and the kindest person I’ve ever known. But she never makes me feel less than. She brings me up, tells me I deserve everything. Still, after all this time, I can’t make myself believe it.</p><p>He says it too. Rajan. I don’t believe him either.</p><p>But I can see in their eyes how they believe it. That helps. They both chase the bad away. It’s as easy as breathing for them, loving me.</p><p>That’s never made sense to me. Why would they love me? Why would they want <em>me</em>? I’m too fucked up for them, too dark, too damaged. They could have this perfect little world of a respectable marriage and good jobs. The gossip of nobody.</p><p>But instead, they chose <em>me</em>. They invited me into their world, into their relationship.</p><p>I know for me and Kala, falling in love was like being hit by a train. We both tried to get out of its way it was too fast, too strong, too unstoppable. But after that, it was all choice.</p><p>It would have been easier to stay separate, to let each other get on with our own lives. She would have settled for Rajan and she probably would have come to love him without me being involved. He’s a good man; he deserves to be loved.</p><p>And me? I probably would have been dead by now. So many times, I’d have been dead without her. My uncle’s house. Lila, one way or another. Or Whispers. Or my own hand. If it hadn’t have been for her, I’d have killed myself in that torture chamber. Only she held me back.</p><p>Or if I’d never been born a Sensate. My life wouldn’t have been a long one. I always knew that. I’d have crossed the wrong person or drunk too much or took the wrong drugs. Or I’d have given into the bad thoughts, given into that urge for peace and finally done in.</p><p>I trace the scar low on my belly. The scar I got saving the lives of my lovers. I remember that moment so clearly even now. I remember knowing I was going to die and, for the first time in my life, desperately not wanting to.</p><p>It was one of those defining moments, the moment I realised exactly what I had and how much I wanted to hold onto it. I never thought life would be like this for me. I never thought I’d find someone, never mind two people, who makes my heart feel full yet light at the same time. They give me those fluttery, happy feelings in my chest with just a glance.</p><p>I realise I am being looked at. I blink and focus on what’s in front of me. Kala and Rajan were cooking but they’ve both stopped to look at me, frowning in concern.</p><p>‘You all right?’ asks Rajan.</p><p>Kala smiles a little but I can feel her concern. ‘What are you thinking about?’ she asks.</p><p>I straighten from my position leaning against the balcony door and give them both a reassuring grin.</p><p>‘Just thinking how sexy you both look flitting about the kitchen like that.’</p><p>Rajan grins. ‘Food <em>and</em> us? You must be in heaven.’</p><p>But Kala frowns and puts down the spoon she was stirring with. She crosses to me, reaches up to cup my cheek and looks at me. I hate it when she does this. It’s like she’s looking right inside me, seeing everything and I can’t look away. I can only meet those beautiful brown eyes and allow her to examine me.</p><p>She traces her thumb over my lips tenderly. ‘You’d tell me, if there was something wrong, wouldn’t you?’</p><p>‘Of course.’ The answer is automatic and we both know the truth of it. I probably wouldn’t tell her, not straight away, but she’d know soon enough. She always does.</p><p>Rajan comes across too, sliding his arm casually around my shoulders. ‘He’s fine, Kala. Just daydreaming about us, weren’t you?’ he says, his voice easy and calm. But he looks closely at me too, and he squeezes my shoulder in a reassuring way.</p><p>I give them both another grin. ‘Just being my dark and mysterious self.’</p><p>That makes them smile and I feel that fluttery feeling again. I can’t hold back. I cup Kala’s jaw in both hands, run my thumbs across her cheeks and give her a tender kiss on her mouth.</p><p>Then I turn to Rajan and kiss him too, trailing my fingers through his soft beard and making him smile against me.</p><p>‘I could never tell you just how much I love you,’ I whisper to them.</p><p>I feel their breath on my face, their warmth. I stay close for a moment, then smile and pull away. I go to the sofa, sit down and lean back. I close my eyes and let the smile spread across my face. I can’t deny it. They’re always in my thoughts and they both know it. My whole world is them. Kala and Rajan. My loves.</p>
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